It has now been about five weeks
since I finished full time paternity leave, looking after my daughter when my
wife went back to work after nine months. We are now both back at work, and my
daughter is going to nursery three days a week. I’m off today to look after
her, and she is currently blissfully asleep.
Looking back on my paternity
leave, it seems ridiculous that I ever considered not doing it. I took a month
of holiday, so it wasn't a long period of time in the grand scheme of things.
When I returned to work nothing seemed to have changed. Other people’s projects
had moved on slightly, but not to the extent that I now feel I'm
underperforming in any significant way. It is clear I won’t be as productive
this academic year as I might ordinarily have been, but I just had a child – so
yeah.
Apart from actually looking after
your baby and spending time with them, the best thing about taking leave is the
shared experience. Suddenly all those joys, annoyances, trials and tribulations
that my wife would tell me about became real. She would get home from work and
we would have the same conversation as we always had, just in reverse. I can’t
express how good this is for a relationship rapidly adjusting to a new way of
living.
Despite this, the experience isn't
the same. My daughter now sleeps through the night, naps regularly during the
day, and is predominantly a smiling happy child. Looking after her was hard,
but I didn't experience the sheer fear of looking after a helpless newborn
alone, whilst suffering chronic sleep deprivation. Equally, although my wife
has now shared in the adjustments required when going back to work (see: the academic parent #1), she hasn't experienced dealing with work
when chronically sleep deprived. I remember having scientific conversations
whilst getting coffee where I had to accept that I just couldn't contribute. My
mind wasn't working well enough to have any meaningful discussion. Equally, the
guilt of leaving for work knowing full well how bloody hard it's going to be
for my wife was hard. I think when my wife went back to work it was more
bemusement than anything else. She knew I'd be fine, but wanted to see how I'd
initially get basic stuff wrong (I did).
The last day of paternity leave
was a mix of emotions. My daughter decided to have one of her rare stroppy
days. She was crying and whining for most of the day. That meant I spent much
of the day counting down the hours until her bedtime. When it finally arrived I put
her in her cot and closed her bedroom door. I sighed with relief, and then wished I could have spent a bit more time with her.
